Fin.
There is no greater tragedy in life than losing the person you love the most. You always worry someone or something is going to take them away from you…but losing one who loves you is so much easier than them leaving you by their will. There are no words in any language more painful than “I don’t love you anymore”. There is nothing more earth shattering than knowing all your love, all your effort, that everything you have in life isn’t enough to make the person you care about love you back…
For whoever reads this blog, I’m so sorry. I’m not going to become the great game developer I dreamed of being since I was 5. I’ll never get up on stage like Reggie and talk about some great game I made. I’ll never be as popular as Matt Casamassina as a game journalist.
Humans bank their entire lives on finding happiness. It is the eternal quest of all people to be happy. I found my happiness years ago, but now it leaves me…and thus, there’s no reason for me to go on with this path of my life. There’s no reason to try to achieve my dreams if it won’t make me happy in the end.
There’s no reason to try anymore. I plan now to drop out of college and live my life as nothing more than another cog in the machine. I have nobody to support anymore, nobody to care for, so I only need keep myself alive, and try not to burden others with my sorrow, so long as God mercilessly leaves me on this forsaken planet. I’d rather await the sweet release of death as a mundane GameStop employee than push myself into a “better life” as something more honorable and still feel the same way. I’d be unhappy either way, so what’s the point in working towards anything more? The more work I put in, the same return I get back. I can only hope God will bless me with a short, short life. I’ve been thinking about picking up smoking lately, I think now I’ll give it a try.
I don’t know if I’ll be back, I don’t know if I’ll post here again. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. To be honest, I’ve never been so scared in all my life. The pain is just too overwhelming to bear. I don’t know how much I can take. It’s unfair that we are forced into this world against our will, and then God says we aren’t allowed to take ourselves out of it when we wish. I just pray he will grant me some form of mercy, any escape from this unbearable pain…
I’m so sorry, to everyone, even if I don’t know you. I’ve never treated anyone with the kindness and respect they deserve. I’m so very sorry…
Dude. I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes things happen that are outside of our control. In fact, as soon as we feel that we have total control, that control is ripped from our hands. They say that when we tell God what our plans for our lives are, He laughs and says that He’s got a better plan for you. Perhaps your road lies among a different path than the one that you were walking. I’ve been reading your blog for the last few weeks and have laughed a lot and have really enjoyed your columns. You’ve got a knack for the written word, and one that is far more readable than most websites, and far more optimistic in tone.
And then this happens. This week, on Tuesday morning, I woke up, ran down to the bathroom and started throwing up. I hadn’t been drinking or anything (I don’t), so it wasn’t that. I ended up bed-ridden for the whole day. I didn’t even get to play any more Twilight Princess or anything. But that’s just small potatoes. I’m still not 100% (and I’m hoping that I don’t have something worse, but my chest feels like it’s full of liquid).
Wow, this is really disjointed, but I digress. Losing someone that you love is a very tough thing (and that is an understatement). Having someone tell you that they don’t love you anymore is something that I hope that I never have to deal with. Love is a decision. You can decide to love someone, but you cannot force love in return. When someone misunderstands love, and thinks it’s supposed to be “romantic” all the time, that is when someone thinks they may not “love someone anymore.” It’s a very sad thing that the world teaches us. Love is not supposed to always be romantic. It’s supposed to be sacrificial and decision based.
I recommend that you continue down the path you were headed, or ask God to give you a path. I know someone that cannot even find what she wants to do with the rest of her life, and she’s supposed to choose a major in the next couple of months, and she hasn’t liked any of her classes, but everyone around her LOVES their classes and have chosen majors. She doesn’t understand why they can have something when she cannot.
All wounds mend in time. Give it some time. You'’ll recover. Trust me.
Paul Martin said this on November 24th, 2006 at 12:50 pm
No, This isn’t right man. Do you think Shigeru Miyamoto got to where he was by being miserable and blaming everything on God? No, he didn’t. He was determined. He saved the game company that you have stood up for all these years, because he was DETERMINED. Did you expect great things to just come to you? Do you think HE expected to become the most identified person in the video game industry? No, you have to work at something, and even though there are rough bits along the way; you have to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
You think you’ve accomplished little; you have this site with thousands, maybe millions of readers including myself. You’ve worked yourself to be a gamereviewer for a popular website, you were moving your way up, just not as fast as you wanted I suppose. I’d be happy with a mediocre game review job, I wouldn’t want the millions that Reggie make, it’s all about the games, the fun, the unity they bring to millions of people, it’s not about the bragging on the stage that you made a great game that changed lives of others, it’s about he experience and sharing it with others, what you’ve been doing all along.
I almost envy the life you live, you’re popular with thousands of people online, you’re a celebrity and you don’t even know it. You may not be getting the occupation you’ve been dreaming for, but damn dude, what you have going here is a thing of greatness, don’t give it up. And certainly don’t waste your money relying on a drug that will only depress you even more.
I’m 16 and understand all you’re saying, I went through this, deciding just where I was going to go; either I get some minimum waige job and be almost a nobody, or I could do something better; like the tech review site I’ve always moved towards. I decided to go with the low waige job since I could be happy, but you can bet on it that i’ll get that tech review site, nomatter how much money would get in my way.
Don’t give this up, we share your pain; you just need to realize how much you have here.
-Macro Pheliac
Macro_Pheliac said this on November 24th, 2006 at 1:03 pm
one last thing to say, you can keep looking up at God in curiosity why he leaves us here against our will, or you can do something that matters and only have to worry about that the last few days of your life.
I do things to keep my mind off it, it’s what you have to do, but you just can’t let it bring you down like this.
Macro_Pheliac said this on November 24th, 2006 at 1:06 pm
Thank you Paul, your comments are always the best. I’m flattered by your compliments, really.
Deep down, my brain says your right. But this isn’t the first time this has happened. God helped me change paths once before, saved me from a life I’m very glad I didn’t end up leading. This was supposed to be my right path, she had become everything I lived for in the past few years. If you knew me before I met her, you wouldn’t believe I’m the same person now. Everything I’ve become is thanks to her…I just…don’t feel I can ever be happy again without her…
Marco, thank you too. Deep down I hold hope I can heed your words when all the smoke clears. I’m not going to blame God, I’ve done that far to much in my life. All I can do is pray for his help through this.
I’m sure everyone will call me an idiot for it, but I picked up that pack of smokes today, and I’m not going to say I hate it. Considering I lost my grandfather to it, and my dad just recovered from cancer because of it, it’s probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. But right now, I could really care less about that far in the future, I’m scared of what’s going to happen to me today…
All I do is sit here, waiting for the phone to ring. Hoping for some precious good news. I can’t even bring myself to play games. I can’t enjoy anything like I am now. It’s been a long time since I felt this bad…many, many years. I’m just so completely lost right now…
I won’t leave you guys hanging, I promise. I’ll post again, I won’t let the blog die. Just, if you can, give me some time…
Nmaster said this on November 24th, 2006 at 1:15 pm
“Just, if you can, give me some time…” Will do, we’re here for you.
Macro Pheliac said this on November 24th, 2006 at 1:24 pm
Thanks. It really means something to me to know I haven’t been talking to myself these past months…
Nmaster said this on November 24th, 2006 at 1:28 pm
“It really means something to me to know I haven’t been talking to myself these past months…”
Actually, I think that is partially due to the new site design that you put on a few months back. In what I like to call the “good ol’ days”; you had everything centralized on one page, and now since your blog, gaming reviews and community are separate, certain parts of your site will be ignored.
I, personally liked the old format.
Macro_Pheliac said this on November 24th, 2006 at 2:15 pm
It can’t be helped, I only actually own one of the sites…
I can make the homepage the blog and just put big links to the other places…
Nmaster said this on November 24th, 2006 at 2:17 pm
David,
You’re welcome! I really appreciate all that you do on your blog. I believe that we have people brought into our lives, temporary or no, stranger or not, and that they serve some purpose. They teach us something about ourselves, change us, and if things go properly, when they leave, they’ve left us in a better state than they found us. We can only hope that we have the same effect on everyone that we meet.
Take your time, read some good books. I very highly recommend two of the three books by Mitch Albom (haven’t yet read the third in the “series”): “Tuesdays with Morrie,” “The Five People You Meet in Heaven,” and the third (new this fall) is “For One More Day.” I think those books helped me more than most that I’ve read, and they can be read in an afternoon (but they must be savored, as you’ll be able to tell).
Take your time, and we’ll see you soon. (The New York Times or some big paper like that mentioned game design as a growing field, so hang in there, I saw it on CNet, or Digg, I think.)
Paul Martin said this on November 25th, 2006 at 2:54 am
[…] A follow-up on my last post… […]
blog.nwizard.com » Blog Archive » Love is life, and life is hell… said this on November 26th, 2006 at 12:48 am
This is the most pathetic blog topic ever. You lost a girlfriend. Shit happens. Either find a new one, or even throw yourself ever-harder into your studies to distract yourself. If you’re dropping out of college because a girlfriend dumped you, you’ve got your priorities in the wrong places.
Michael Salcedo said this on November 26th, 2006 at 12:01 pm
[…] The 3rd in the series of how my life is over…here’s 1 and 2… […]
blog.nwizard.com » Blog Archive » Crossroads… said this on November 27th, 2006 at 12:50 pm
I LOVE YOU DAVID!!!!!
Lynnette said this on November 28th, 2006 at 10:09 pm